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“I wish my parents wouldn’t worry so much about me. It’s like they think every day is a potential disaster. Every time I leave the house, they think I’m going to die. They’re completely paranoid.” Kelly’s thoughts about her parents are fairly common. So are her parents’ thoughts about her:
“Kelly doesn’t realize the dangers out there. As her parents, we have to protect her. Part of that role is to worry about her. She clearly isn’t going to worry about everything that she should, so we have to worry for her. It takes a huge toll on us, but it’s simply part of being a parent.”
This reaction to worry is played out every day in millions of homes. But this is only the surface reaction. Often, there is much more going on beneath the surface.
Let’s dig a little…
Kelly says she doesn’t want her parents to worry about her. Like most teens, she would prefer they focus on being proud of her accomplishments, rather than focus on potential hazards. Yet, when Kelly stayed out past curfew one night and her parents didn’t call to check on her, she didn’t feel relief from a lack of worry – she felt a lack of love from an apparent lack of concern.
You see, at some level, Kelly feels protected and cared for by her parents’ worry. This is part of the reason she occasionally pushes the limits of their rules. When she feels worried about, she feels loved. The same is true for all of us.
If we look more closely at Kelly’s parents, we see an ulterior motive to their worry, as well. While claiming their role as “worriers” is burdensome, they simultaneously encourage Kelly to be dependent on them. This makes them feel needed.
Let’s look at the flip side. If Kelly does things that make her parents proud, and her parents focus on these things, they are, at some level, encouraging independence. Being proud of their daughter means admitting she can do things on her own – that she won’t always need them for everything.
For Kelly, a pride-focus means she has to give up those feelings of protection. She is reminded she will have to take care of herself one day. For both sides, it’s “easier” to stay stuck in a cycle of worry and concern. Kelly feels safe and her parents feel needed.
Distraction is another dynamic that often comes into play. If parents can stay focused on worrying about their child, they can distract themselves from focusing on other issues in their lives. It’s an avoidance technique. They worry so much about the child that they avoid thinking about their own lives, their other relationships, their work, or other important issues. With a laser focus on their child’s potential struggles, they avoid dealing with their own actual struggles.
Regret is another potential motive behind the worry focus. Researchers polled worrisome parents and discovered that 90 percent claimed they wish they had done things differently in their teen years. With this regret heavy on their minds, they are filled with worry that their teen will have similar feelings. Their worry is fueled by a desire to protect their teen from experiencing regret.
While worried parents may claim their heartache is tough, it might be that proud parents have it just as hard. As they focus on their child’s accomplishments, they are admitting their child can do things without them. They are encouraging them to leave the nest, even with the risk of falling. As the teen steps to the edge, she sees parents who aren’t worried, but proud. She knows she needs to do some things on her own now.
It’s not worry that fills this scene, but courage.
Image Source: iStock
