Question:
My husband had a heart transplant on December 7, 1998, and since then my life has been hell. He was sick in bed for three years before this and I worked full time and waited on him hand and foot. I was offered an early retirement package and I took it because he wasn’t going to the doctor appointments because I couldn’t take him. We have been married 33 years, and I can barely stand to even look at him. The reason being he is so negative and doesn’t follow the doctor’s orders as he has the heart transplant and think that he knows more than the doctors. He has been told that since the transplant he is a manic depressant, but when they put him on antidepressant’s he doesn’t take them long enough for them to work and then he won’t go back to the shrink. I am so stressed and don’t have a clue where to turn. He has no desires and doesn’t do anything except lay on the bed all day, unless I will take him somewhere, I can’t continue to live like this so what are my choices?
- ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
- ‘Anne’ bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
- Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by ‘Anne’ to people submitting questions.
- ‘Anne’, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. ‘Anne’ and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer:
December 7th, 1998. A day that will live in Infamy (Sorry, I couldn’t resist!) Let’s look at your situation. You are the full time caregiver for a man who is either not able to care for himself, or doesn’t want to (which for your purposes amounts to about the same thing). You aren’t working (out of the house I mean) and so don’t have any respite or outside social activity away from his illnesses. You can’t influence his behavior too much because he won’t or can’t follow treatment instructions. You’ve got all the worries here and life is not fun. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest support group you can find for persons dealing with family members who have serious illnesses (of any sort). Call your local hospital or mental health center. They may be able to point you in the right direction. You may also wish to seek some counseling or therapy support. Essentially, I think you need to get some outside activity and support going at once so as to lighten your load at home. Don’t make the excuse that you can’t leave him to do this. Find a way to get to one or more of these groups and keep going. Groups or therapy like I’ve suggested won’t solve all your problems, but they have the potential to help you feel quite a bit better. No one can function as a caregiver all the time without support and respite.
- Ask Anne
