Question:
Hello, I am an educated 42 year old male who has never had an intimate relationship with anyone. I understand that we are genetically programmed to seek intimacy and procreate. My hormones are becoming a menace. I always think of the opposite sex which I know is normal. My main problem is that I am attracted to women that are NOT attracted to me. My chemistry is skewed toward younger, slim, intelligent women. I tried to engage such women in conversations, but they lack interest in an older man like myself unless they are gold diggers seeking money. I do not have chemistry for most women in my age group because I find that most of them are not physically attractive. My other problem is that I am active, I enjoy running, the gym, hiking, etc. I talked to obese women that find me attractive, but they cannot engage in the same activities that I enjoy. I am at a dilema. The only sex I ever had in my life thus far is masturbation. I have already done what most people have suggested. I have gone out, talked to people, tried bars, clubs, personals. I have tried it all with no success. I am very frustrated and I need some advice.
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Answer:
I am not sure why you are experiencing you hormones as becoming a menace? Your body is telling you that you need and want sex. It’s been telling you that for a long time. Masturbation is all right but it’s a poor substitute for the real thing. What is unclear is why you never had sex?
On a superficial level, one answer to the above question is that you have done all you can to avoid the intimacy of sex and relationship. That does not tell us why? There are some possible answers but they may or may not apply:
1. For some reason, you fear women and avoid sex with them.
2. There is something about having a close and permanent relationship with a woman that is off putting.
3. Perhaps you dislike your body and are sure that a woman will also dislike the way you look.
4. Although you masturbate, something about sex may upset you for some reason.
5. Some people feel extremely guilty about their sexual impulses and, for that reason, avoid dealing with them.
6. Other individuals think of sex as “disgusting,” and are even convinced mistakenly) that women feel the same way.
These are a few guesses. To find the answer you really need to enter psychotherapy with the goal of entering an intimate relationship and having a full sexual life without guilt.
As for you attraction to young women, that is understandable. Why not? Most people would agree that young men and women are extremely attractive. After all, they are in the prime of their sexual lives. However, older women have powerful sexual drives and are also extremely attractive, powerfully attractive. Why aren’t you attracted to these women? It may be that this is another avoidance issue. What I mean is that, if your best chance of having an intimate relationship is with someone your age, then, what better way to prevent this than to disregard them.
Anyway, I can only present these as theories and educated guesses on a general level. That is why, in my opinion, you are best off entering psychotherapy to help you move on with your life.
Best of Luck
