Question:
i had a a daughter with someone else. she doesn’t know she has a different dad. now shes 13 and kids are telling her she don’t look like us or her sisters. i don’t know what to do. should i tell her the truth or wait until shes older. please help me i am scared of her reaction. what should i do???
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Answer:
I sympathize with your fear. I can see how the news you have to share could be disturbing to your child, and I can imagine that you don’t want to disturb her, or have to deal with tears, anger, or feelings of rejection or abandonment. But suck it up and be strong here. You need to be the parent, and as the parent, you will have to be strong and in control if you are ever to be able to communicate this information in an effective manner to your daughter.
Every child is different, but these days, thirteen is probably old enough to be able to handle an edited version of this truth. Only you as the parent can really make this judgment though. There are two truths you actually have to communicate when you decide it is time to speak. You have to communicate about your daughter’s biological father, and you also have to communicate your love and acceptance and pride in your daughter. From the sound of it, your daughter probably already suspects that she has different parentage than her siblings and is already upset. At any rate, if she doesn’t suspect yet, everyone else around her does. So it may be less of a secret than you think it is. And the truth may be less threatening to her than you might think. Knowing the truth may help her feel more adult in that she is now old enough in your judgment to know the truth.
Whatever positives may come of this revelation, your daughter is also likely to feel many emotions upon learning this truth, at least some of which will likely center around her feeling rejected or not good enough or not a real part of your family. It is these feelings of abandonment and rejection that you have to strongly combat with loving expressions. The most important thing you have to convey is that she is your daughter and you love and want her. She was not a mistake.
There are all sorts of complications I can imagine this situation might bring up, and I don’t know the answers to most of them. For example, if you tell your child about her unknown biological father, she may become motivated to meet him. Are you emotionally ready for that? Are you legally ready for that? Do you have full custody of this child or is there some chance that the child’s father could assert some custody claim over her? What is the legal status of your current husband/partner with regard to your daughter? Has he adopted her? Issues like these should at least be though about before you decide to tell your daughter about her father. You may need to consult with a lawyer or other specialist for answers to these questions. Good luck!
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