Question:
I am a 41 year old female and have never liked sex. Over the years, I have tried to pretend, for the sake of maintaning relationhips, that I liked sex. But, in general, most of my boyfriends have been unfaithful and left. I have never had any emotional or psychological problems that I know of. So, I don’t know why I don’t like sex? It just simply doesn’t feel enjoyable. There is no pain but no pleasure, either. As I get older, I find it harder and harder to pretend I like sex so I’d rather not even try. When there is nothing apparent in the womans history, mentally or physically, why does this lack of sex drive or sensation happen?
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Answer:
There are a variety of reasons why a person does lacks a sex drive. Some of those reasons are physical and some are psychological.
Physical problems can range from hormonal to vaginal pain or neurological difficulties. This is why a physical examination from a GYN who can then look into what might be wrong, if anything. Its always important to rule out physical problems, especially with something as complex as sex. It is also possible for you to have had these problems all of your life. Given this scenario, its possible to recover a sex drive.
On the psychological side of things, there can be issues that you are not aware of. The fact that boyfriend cheated on you could mean that you are either choosing the wrong men or doing what you can to drive them away. Sometimes this happens when a person has fears of an emotionally intimate relationship. Some people fear revealing all the things they do not like about themselves. Many people are convinced they are masking who they are and if they removed the mask, others will not like them. Perhaps this is you.
Another factor may have to do with control. Intimacy can provoke fears of being trapped, abused, made dependent on the partner, exploited by the partner and otherwise taken advantage of.
In other words, there can be emotional forces that propel you away from getting to close. The underlying effort is to do everything to avoid a deep relationship.
Sexuality has deep meanings for all of us. One of the most powerful forces driving sexual activity is the ability to physically and emotionally surrender to ones own self and to the other person during those intense moments of orgasm. That is the time when two people are the most vulnerable to another human being. It can feel very risky unless the partner is deeply trusted. If that trust is missing, for any reason, it will feel threatening to let go.
This is where issues of control can manifest themselves through the sexual act. Because two people surrender to one another for a few moments, there needs that loss of control called orgasm, as I already stated. If a person feels they must be in control all of the time, then, the letting go, central go orgasm, cannot happen. Through my work as a psychotherapist, I have had female patients who can achieve orgasm through masturbation but not with a significant other.
To return to the beginning of my response to your question, I must reiterate that physiological and health factors must first be ruled out before any psychological factors are examined.
Good Luck to You
