Question:
I lived with and loved my soul mate for 6 years. He was charming, smart, engaging and loving. He loved and raised my kids as his own and I appreciated him deeply and expressed it. He was always impulsive with money, has an unstable career, and cut out his best friend of 30 years suddenly. The home and bills are covered by me….fine because his currency was his incredible kindness. Things worried me, but he was the sweetest guy and he was so wonderful to me that I loved him deeply and never would have left him. My whole family loved him and are quite intuitive. No one saw what was coming. We are both in our late 40’s and he decided he had to have his own child immediately. I understand, and did the surrogate/egg donor research with him. In the end, I simply didn’t feel comfortable with the process and with his ability to provide for a child. His greatest dream was destroyed, I wish I cold have given it to him. No one saw it coming, one day he walked out and has refused to answer my calls or emails. The few things he said were that he didn’t know who he was and had lot himself in me. He suddenly hates me. I think he clearly fit the BPD, but the pain and shock is so unbearable for me and my kids who he has not responded to either. Please give me advice on how to live through this unbearable pain. How could I have avoided it? I loved his companionship and love so deeply and am very very sad without it. I keep going over it and over it and I want the pain to go away. I can’t believe I have become dead to him.
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Answer:
First, let me thank you for your very impassioned expression of your loss. You are in mourning, just as though someone has died. It will take time for you to recover from the loss, but, in most cases, people do succeed in recovering. If the pain continues this acutely for several months, you should seek psychotherapy to help you recover from the grieving process.
There are some things I want to suggest to help you with your sadness:
1. Talk to friends and family constantly about all that happened.
2. As long as you are physically healthy, get plenty of exercise.
3. Avoid alcohol as that will only worsen your sad or depressed feelings.
4. Make sure you and your children discuss your feelings with one another.
5. Eat a healthy and balanced diet.
6. Do not stay at home and hide but go out and live your life.
7. If you find spirituality comforting go to your house of worship and use prayer.
These are just a few suggestions.
Some observations:
It is possible that you convinced your self that this was a better man than he actually was. You describe him in almost saintly terms. In point of fact, he was impulsive in several ways: 1) He spent money impulsively, 2) In doing so, he was not really taking such good care of you and your children, 3) He suddenly and without explanation, cut off an old friendship of his, 4) His career was marked by instability, 5) He states that he wants a child of his own and suddenly and impulsively cuts off all communication with you.
In light of all of this, it is my thought that you need to get in touch with your feelings of anger at him.
By the way, I do not believe that any of us can make a diagnosis of this man with any kind of certainty and without his being seen by a mental health professional.
In my opinion, you need to allow your self to feel anger at him instead of your self, and give your self time to heal.
Best of luck.
