Question:
I am in a relationship which is 2 1/2 years old and is basically good, except for one thing. My lover insists on maintaining contact with his former lover. He says they’re just friends. I have no reason to suspect sexual infidelity, but he sneaks around and talks with this former lover on the phone and occasionally goes by his house. My lover says he goes to visit the former lover’s elderly mother. We do not live together for a couple of reasons, largely legal at this point. We are both single and over thirty. He won’t be honest with me about this situation because he says he knows how I react to it. He also says I have no right to choose his friends.
- ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
- ‘Anne’ bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
- Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by ‘Anne’ to people submitting questions.
- ‘Anne’, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. ‘Anne’ and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer:
Matt, first you need to take a step back and try to re-evaluate the nature of your relationship with your lover. You say that you have been with him for over 2 1/2 years, yet you go on to say that you are both still single. If you do not consider it to be an exclusive relationship then your lover has every right to maintain contact with whomever he chooses. However, if the two of you have decided upon an exclusive commitment to one another, then he needs to be more sensitive to your needs and concerns. Both of you need to be more honest with one another and work on expressing your feelings instead of making judgements and assumptions. You need to think about the reason your lover does not want to be honest with you. Do you commonly overreact negatively against him? I do not see anything wrong with him visiting his former lover’s elderly mother, if his motives are genuinely good. If you really feel that he does not want to be committed to you or respect your needs and feelings, then you need to move on. However, you can try to strengthen your relationship by communicating more openly. Remember the cliche honesty is the best policy. Hope that was helpful! – Anne
- Ask Anne
