Question:
Hi Anne, My daughter is a very intelligent young lady (21 yrs old) and will be graduating with her bachelors soon. Her choice in boyfriends however has fallen into the same category twice now which alarms me. This second one is behaving in the same manner the first one did, taking control of her life in general. She no longer desires to spend with me but prefers the company of his family, phone calls are strained and anxiety provoking as well for me lately and for some reason the men she picks are very immature for their age. Every time she gets into a relationship I am put to the curb, when I complained and told her our relationship could not go on like this she decided to ignore me, doesnt return emails, calls, etc. Even the things she says are not words she would normally use, they sound like things he says, and they are hurtful. I am at a loss, but moreso I am concerned that she could marry this man and ruin her life in the future.
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Answer:
Children spend a lot of time during their adolescence trying to develop an independent adult identity that will separate them from their dependent childhood identity. At age 21, your daughter is still in the middle of this developmental process. One way that children differentiate themselves is to rebel. I’m guessing that your daughter is in a rebelious phase of her life, and that she is defining herself as “not-you” in some sense. That is to say, she doesn’t necessarily know how to be her own person yet, so what she is doing, which she does know how to do is to negate the things that you want for her. If you say black, she’ll say white, and if you say up, she’ll say down.
You may very well have a point that your daughter is not exercising good judgement at this point in her life, but it doesn’t seem likely that you’ll be able to show her the error of her ways by criticizing her, given her present rebeliousness. The more you make demands on her, the more it seems that she pulls away from you. You might benefit from simply accepting that communication between you is going to be difficult for a while and stop struggling about it so much. I don’t mean to not talk to your daughter or tell her you love her, or even to not express your concerns. I only mean to not repeatedly harp on your concerns. Say them once or twice, and then respect that your daughter is an adult (albiet a young one), and let her find her way. You can’t really stop her from doing that anyway, and you’re giving yourself unnecessary angst by trying so hard.
- Ask Anne
