Question:
hello. I am need in of some advice, and I need it rather quickly. my husband and I have been together for almost 8 years. we have always had a good relationship both emotionally and physically. we both like sexual experimentation. I have always been bi-curious and he has always wanted to try a 3sum. we decided that we would try it and if one of us didn’t like it, we would stop. we are both extremely selective and wanted a girl we both liked that was also “clean.” last month, we tried it with a girl that we have been talking to for some time now and that we both care about as a friend too. we both like her and agreed on her. the problem is that while I enjoyed most of it, I could not handle watching him have sex with her in front of me. I told him that I could not handle us doing it again. he says that he only wanted it to be something that we shared and that he wouldn’t do it without me (although he would like it); but he is very upset by this. he wants it to continue but has agreed to stop. he is also worried that it will affect our friendship with the girl. I am upset because even though he is agreeing to stop, he has admitted that he will still always want it and her. I don’t know what to do that will make us both happy. do you have ANY advice to help me and our marriage? thank you.
- ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
- ‘Anne’ bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
- Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by ‘Anne’ to people submitting questions.
- ‘Anne’, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. ‘Anne’ and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer:
I’m generally against extra marital experimentation for just the reasons you are experiencing. It is all too easy for partners to get jealous or to experience insecurity when they experiment with other partners, even if they go into that experimentation with the best intentions. There are other reasons also of course why such experimentation is also a bad idea (e.g., sexually transmitted diseases, etc.), and perhaps the most important one – the destruction of intimacy between the marriage partners. Good lovemaking is one of the pillars that holds a marriage together. Good lovemaking is more than just sex. It is sex plus intimacy which is itself a sort of trust and a willingness to leave doubts behind as you both come together. Good Lovemaking is no place for either of you to be desiring another partner. So, you are in some pain now and are hurting because your connection to your partner, your ability to trust him has been threatened. It’s okay. There are plenty of marriages out there that have survived this and worse. The mere fact that either of you have desires for others need not break you apart. What does need to happen now is for you both to come together and re-commit to one another so that you can feel safe with each other again. The pain is telling you to not have extra-marital partners anymore. This pain and I are both telling you to work with your husband to shore up your marriage and the trust that you both have in one another. I believe that this work may best be done with the aid of a marital therapist who can referee when/if emotions get too hot while you’re discussing this painful and vulnerable issue.
- Ask Anne
